By Archpriest Grigory Dyachenko
The Appearance of the Lord to the Holy Apostle Thomas
Today is Sunday. During the whole Paschal week, the Risen Lord did not appear again to His disciples. Eight days after Pascha, the disciples again gathered together, and Thomas was with them. The doors, as on that evening, were again shut. Suddenly Jesus Christ appeared in their midst and said to them: “Peace be unto you!” — and, turning to Thomas, answering the demands of his doubting heart, He said to him: “Bring your finger here, and see My hands; and bring your hand, and put it into My side; and be not unbelieving, but believing” (cf. John 20:27). Then the wondrous appearance of the Lord and His wondrous word, showing His omniscience, overcame the disciple’s doubt; he no longer dared to put his fingers into the wounds of the nails or his hand into the side of the Risen Savior. Ashamed of his unbelief, in prayerful reverence he confessed: “My Lord and my God!” Now he believes with all his heart, because he has seen the Lord and experienced within himself the power of His Resurrection. The Lord, accepting the confession of His disciple, nevertheless says to him: “You have believed because you have seen Me; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed” (John 20:29). By this He pointed us, who have not seen Him, to the word proclaimed about Him by His apostles.
Antipascha
The custom of continuing the celebration of Great Feasts for seven days already existed in the Old Testament Church. Thus were celebrated Pascha and the Feast of Tabernacles. The last of the festal days was especially solemn, was called great (cf. John 7:37), and as it were replaced the feast itself. Following this example, and from the abundance of spiritual joy in the Risen Savior, in the Christian Church also the eighth day after Pascha, as the conclusion of Bright Week, from ancient times became a special celebration, as it were in place of Pascha itself, and therefore was called Antipascha, which means: instead of or in place of Pascha. Moreover, this day, serving as the conclusion of Bright Week, at the same time serves as the beginning of another — a new week after Pascha — the queen of feasts; with it begins the cycle of weeks and Sundays of the whole year; on this day, for the first time, the remembrance of the Resurrection of Christ is renewed, which from the apostolic times has been accepted in the Church to be commemorated every seven days, that is, on every first day of the week. Hence arose the name of Antipascha as the New Sunday, that is, the first day of renewal, or simply renewal; which, according to the explanation of Saint Gregory the Theologian, recalls that first day of the world which followed the solemn completion of creation.
But with the eighth day after Pascha is naturally joined also the remembrance of the appearance of Jesus Christ to His disciples on the eighth day after the Resurrection, and of the touching of the saving wounds of His Body by the Apostle Thomas; hence also — more commonly used among us — the name of Antipascha as the Sunday of the Holy Apostle Thomas, or Thomas Sunday. This remarkable event — as the clearest proof of the truth of the Resurrection of Christ and as an experience of the ineffable love and condescension of the Risen Lord toward the weakness of the human heart, even in His own disciples — was placed at the foundation of the Church’s hymns throughout the New Week. The Holy Church, reminding us of the Lord’s appearance by the daily reading from the Gospel, invites all to sing with thanksgiving to Him Who was well-pleased, for our assurance, to allow Himself to be touched:
“O Lover of mankind, great and beyond measure is the multitude of Your mercies: You endured being struck by the Jews, being touched by the Apostle, and being tested by those who denied You. How were You incarnate? How were You crucified without sin? But instruct us, like Thomas, to cry out to You: My Lord and my God, glory to You!”
In the ancient Church, the Sunday of Antipascha also had another special purpose, which remains in use in the Western Church to this day. Namely: in ancient times the feast of Pascha was the solemn time for the baptism of Jews and pagans who were converting to Christianity; this Mystery was performed over them on the night of the Bright Feast. The newly baptized, or — as they were usually called in ancient times — the newly illumined, were clothed in white garments, the image of their infancy in Christ, which they wore throughout the entire Bright Week. On Thomas Sunday, this garment was solemnly removed from them in the church and placed in a special vestibule of the temple. For this reason, all the days of Bright Week were often called "the days of the white garments."
The Church’s View of the Unbelief of the Apostle Thomas
1. What did the unbelief of the Apostle consist in?
a. In disbelief of the testimony of his fellow disciples about the Lord’s appearance to them.
He said to the apostles: “I have no faith unless I also see the Master.” “Unless I see Him, I do not believe your words.”
b. In disbelief in the Resurrection itself.
“He did not believe in Your Resurrection, and to those who had seen You he cried: ‘Unless I put my finger into His side and into the wounds of the nails, I will not believe that He has risen.’”
2. What was at the foundation of his unbelief?
a. A strong desire to see the Lord.
“Desiring Your joyful vision, Thomas did not at first believe.”
b. A desire for complete certainty, both for himself and for all.
“Not in vain did Thomas doubt Your rising; he did not fall away, but sought to show this without doubt, O Christ, to all peoples.”
“He did not believe what was told to him, moving from unbelief into firm faith.”
3. What brought about the beneficial change in the Apostle’s soul?
a. The grace-filled appearance of the Risen One Himself.
“You showed Your hands and Your most pure side to the unbelieving disciple. And believing, he cried to You: ‘My Lord and my God, glory to You!’… And Thomas, believing through the sight of Your hands and side, confessed You as Lord and God.”
b. Especially the life-giving power of the Lord’s wounds.
“With fear Thomas placed his hand into Your life-giving side, O Christ, and trembling he perceived the double working, O Savior, of the two natures united in You without confusion, and with faith he cried out, saying: ‘You are my Lord…’”
“Touching with his hand Your double nature, with fear he cried out faithfully, drawn by faith: ‘My Lord and my God, glory to You!’”
4. What followed from such a change in the Apostle?
a. The appearance, instead of unbelief, of firm faith.
“For Thomas, placing his hand into the fiery side of the Lord Jesus Christ, was not burned by the touch; for the unbelief of his soul was changed into true belief.”
b. A lofty confession and zeal to proclaim the truth to all.
“Rejoicing, Thomas touched Your divine side, O Lord, and glorified You as the Creator.”
“He cried out when he saw You, O Almighty: ‘You are my Lord and my God… I worship Your dominion and proclaim to the world Your awesome and all-powerful Resurrection.’”
“O most glorious wonder! John leaned on the breast of the Word, while Thomas was counted worthy to touch His side: the one drew from there the fearful depth of theology; the other was made worthy to mystically teach us, for he presents clearly the proofs of His Resurrection.”
5. What beneficial effects did this change in the Apostle have for the world and the Church?
a. A greater confirmation of faith in the Risen One.
“O good unbelief of Thomas! It led the hearts of the faithful to knowledge.”
“O most glorious wonder! Unbelief gave birth to certain faith.”
“Thomas the Twin, having benefited us by his unbelieving faith, dispels the dark ignorance of all the ends of the earth by his unbelief, for the faithful.”
“You rejoice in being tested; therefore, O Lover of mankind, You commanded Thomas to do this, stretching out Your side to the unbeliever, confirming for the world, O Christ, Your three-day Resurrection.”
b. The revelation of high theological truths.
“Drawing riches from the unstealable divine treasure, O Benefactor, from Your side pierced by the spear, the Twin fills the world with wisdom and understanding.”
“Your hidden and inaccessible treasure Thomas opened to us: for, theologizing with a God-bearing tongue, he said, ‘Sing to the Lord and exalt Him unto all ages.’”
On Firmness and Constancy of Faith
After His glorious Resurrection, the Lord Jesus Christ appeared many times to His disciples and followers. Thus, on the very day of His wondrous Resurrection, He was pleased to appear to the apostles, who all, except the Apostle Thomas, were spending their time in a locked upper room, out of fear of the Jews, in common prayer and deep thought. To convince the disciples of the truth of His Resurrection, the Divine Teacher showed them His most pure hands, feet, and side. This appearance filled the hearts of the disciples with faith and love for their Teacher, so that they proclaimed to all that the Lord had risen. But when the apostles told Thomas about the appearance of the Savior, he refused to believe them: “Unless I see in His hands the marks of the nails, and put my finger into His side, I will not believe” (cf. John 20:25). And so, while the disciples rejoiced in the rising from the tomb of their Teacher and Lord, the heart of the Apostle Thomas was troubled with confusion, sorrow, and heavy reflection. The Lord Himself came to his help, revealing also to him the glory of His Resurrection. Eight days after the Resurrection, when all the apostles, now including Thomas, had again gathered together in one place, suddenly Christ stood in their midst and said: “Peace be to you.” Although the face and voice of the Savior immediately showed Thomas the groundlessness of his doubt, the Merciful Lord was pleased to completely dispel the disciple’s unbelief. Turning to Thomas, the Savior said to him: “Bring your finger here and see My hands; bring your hand and put it into My side; and do not remain in unbelief, but believe” (cf. John 20:27). The touch of the healing wounds of the Savior completely healed the soul of the Apostle; filled with a feeling of joy and faith, he exclaimed: “My Lord and my God!” Jesus Christ then said to him: “You have believed because you have seen Me; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed” (cf. John 20:28–29).
Afterward, the Apostle Thomas labored much in preaching the faith of Christ; he also contributed to the strengthening of the faith of the disciples of Christ, and with them of all Christians, in the divine Ascension into heaven of the most pure Body of the Mother of God after Her Dormition. The ancient tradition of the Orthodox Church relates this as follows. After the descent of the Holy Spirit upon the apostles, all of them, clothed with power from on high, went out to different lands to preach the gospel, and the Apostle Thomas went to the most distant regions from Jerusalem. It pleased the Lord to gather them all in a wondrous way at the deathbed of the Most Holy Theotokos, in order to honor Her with a solemn burial. By His holy providence, however, the Apostle Thomas did not arrive in Jerusalem on the day of the burial of the Mother of God, but came on the third day; he grieved greatly that he had not been able to bid farewell and venerate for the last time the most pure Body of the Mother of God. To console the grieving one, the apostles decided together to open the tomb of the Theotokos. And when they opened the tomb, they did not find the Body of the Mother of God, but only the burial cloths. Then all understood that the Mother of God had been taken up bodily into heaven. Thus for the first time was revealed the glory of the Theotokos, more honorable than the Cherubim and beyond compare more glorious than the Seraphim, whom the whole Christian race began to venerate as their nearest intercessor before the throne of the Most High.
Remembering the Holy Apostle Thomas, turn your attention, O Christian, to the words of the Savior spoken to the Apostle: “You have believed because you have seen Me; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed” (John 20:29). For us Christians, there is no longer any need to be convinced of the Resurrection of Christ through special signs and miracles. The Risen Lord assured His first disciples not only for their sake, but also for all of us who confess the name of Christ. And the Apostles became convinced for all of us of the truth of the Resurrection of the Savior: they saw the Risen Lord with their own eyes, touched His wounds, spoke with Him many times, and proclaimed all this orally and in writing to the whole world. This preaching of the apostles, as eyewitnesses and ministers of Christ, each of us must believe firmly and without doubt. Since the Lord has promised blessedness to those who believe, we must strive always to remain in the Orthodox faith, must fear every error of unbelief and false belief, as well as negligence and carelessness concerning the faith. Therefore, O Christian, preserve the Holy Catholic and Apostolic faith as your most precious treasure, by which blessed life in heaven is obtained. How happy is the man who faithfully preserves the teaching of faith handed down to him by the Orthodox Church, who does not deviate from this teaching, but strives in everything to please the Triune God according to the commandments of Christ and His apostles! He, like a quiet stream, peacefully passes through the valley of earthly life, striving toward the heavenly homeland where all the saints dwell.
On the other hand, how pitiable are those who waver in faith, who through their vain reasoning distort the Orthodox Christian teaching, separate themselves from their mother — the Holy Church — and even try to draw others into their delusions! All such prepare for themselves eternal destruction. Unfortunately, those who fall away from right belief also appear within the bosom of our own Church. Blinded by self-love, they boldly reject the guidance of the God-established Church and her shepherds. Let all who are vainly wise fear the righteous wrath of God: by departing from the Orthodox faith and from its guardian, the Holy Church, they lead themselves into the fire of Gehenna.
A certain case is known. Once a monk named Theophan came to the Venerable Kyriakos, holding to a false teaching about Christ Jesus that had been condemned by the Church. The Venerable Kyriakos began to implore Theophan to abandon his errors and turn to the Catholic and Apostolic Church. “The one path to our salvation,” said the Venerable one, “is to think and believe as the holy fathers thought and believed.” Seeing Theophan’s readiness to accept correction, Saint Kyriakos said to him: “I hope in God that His goodness will reveal the truth to you.” After this he withdrew into solitude and began to pray to the Lord for the brother. Through his prayer, the one who had gone astray received a vision the next day. A fearsome man appeared to him and said: “Come and know the truth,” and led Theophan to a dark and foul place, and showed him sinners crying out and groaning from the fire of hell. “This is the dwelling of those,” said the fearsome man, “who think impiously. If you like this place, remain in your false teaching; but if you do not wish to undergo such punishment, turn to the Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church, to which Kyriakos belongs.”
Remembering this, beloved brother, stand firm in the Orthodox faith handed down to you by the fathers and your ancestors. Guard yourself and do not enter into fellowship with those who are vainly wise, who think wrongly about the faith, who desire to be teachers of the law but understand neither what they say nor what they affirm (1 Tim. 1:7). The one treasury of faith is the Holy Orthodox Church; the only true teachers of the faith are the lawful shepherds of the Church.
Stories from Church History on the Power of Faith
I. On the demand to worship the gods, the holy hieromartyr Blaise answered his tormentor: “Torture my body as you wish — it is in your power; but over my soul God has authority.” “And if I throw you into the lake, will your Christ save you?” asked the tormentor. “I believe and hope,” replied the confessor, “that Jesus Christ, my God, will grant me His wondrous help even upon the waters.” The ruler ordered Saint Blaise to be thrown into the lake, but he walked upon the water as on dry land. Reaching the middle of the lake, he said to the soldiers standing on the shore: “Now you also show the power of your gods and come here.” Sixty-eight soldiers called upon their gods and threw themselves into the lake, but all drowned. Considering Blaise responsible for their death, the ruler ordered him to be beheaded with the sword.
II. For his holy and God-pleasing life, Saint Akakios, Bishop of Melitene, was granted the gift of wonderworking even during his lifetime. Once, during a drought, the hierarch went outside the city and, in the open air, offered the Bloodless Sacrifice for the sending of rain. He showed such strong faith that he did not order water to be poured into the holy chalice, trusting that the Lord would send rain. His firm faith was not put to shame. Through his prayers, rain poured down abundantly upon the earth. On another occasion, Saint Akakios was celebrating the Liturgy in the church. During the service, because of weak construction, the vault of the church was about to collapse. The people, in terror, began to run out of the church, but the hierarch cried out: “The Lord is the defender of my life; whom shall I fear!” And the vault remained in its place until the hierarch finished the service and everyone left the church. Then the vault crashed down to the ground. By many other miracles also the hierarch was glorified. His blessed repose occurred around the year 435.
III. A virtuous friend of Saint Spyridon, Bishop of Trimythous, having been slandered before a judge, was imprisoned and sentenced to death. When the hierarch learned of this, he immediately went to deliver him from an undeserved death. He had to cross a stream which, because of a flood, had overflowed its banks and blocked his way. The holy man of God, recalling how Joshua crossed the Jordan on dry ground with the Ark of the Covenant during its full flow, and believing that the Almighty God always hears, turned to the stream and, as to a servant, said to it: “Our common Master commands you: stop, that I may pass and deliver an innocent man from death.” At these words the stream suddenly stopped, restraining the rush of its waters, and opened a dry path not only for Saint Spyridon but also for his companions, who went ahead of him and informed the judge of his coming and told of the miracle performed on the way. The judge immediately released the one unjustly condemned and handed him over to the holy wonderworker.
IV. Saint Tikhon of Amathus, in his youth, sold bread and, having a compassionate heart, gave it to the poor without payment. His father could not fail to notice this and at one time strictly punished him for it. Saint Tikhon, wishing to calm his father, said to him: “Father! You are angry with me in vain; I do not waste your bread, but lend it to God and have from Him a receipt — His divine word: ‘He who gives to the poor lends to the Lord, and will receive back a hundredfold’ (cf. Prov. 19:17). You do not believe me? Go and see, and you will see how true the word of God is.” Saying this, Tikhon took his father by the hand, led him to the granary, and opened the doors — the father saw confirmation of the words of Holy Scripture: the granary was filled with the purest and best wheat, although before it had been empty. The father fell to the ground and gave thanks to God. From that time he no longer forbade his son to give alms to the poor.
Another miracle performed by Saint Tikhon was no less remarkable. In a certain garden, dry branches were cut from the grapevines and, as was customary, thrown away. Saint Tikhon gathered these dry branches and planted them in his garden; at the same time he asked God that they might take root and grow, that the grapes on them might be full and beautiful, that the berries might be sweet and healthy, and that the grapes in his garden might ripen earlier. As the Saint desired, so it happened. The next day he went out to the garden to see what had become of his plantings, and saw there the blessing of God: all the branches had taken root and that same summer bore an extraordinarily abundant harvest; in other gardens the grapes were still green, but in Saint Tikhon’s they were already the most ripe, sweet, and healthy. Hearing of the miracles of Saint Tikhon, you have surely noticed the childlike simplicity with which he believed the words of Holy Scripture, and the childlike boldness with which he expected everything from God. Notice also that all holy men, especially wonderworkers, are always like this — they are all as children. Children, without any reasoning, believe everything that their elders tell them; so the saints, without any doubt, believe everything that the word of God says. Children boldly expect everything from their parents; and the saints boldly expect everything from God.
V. The Lord said: “If you have faith as a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain: 'Move from here to there,’ and it will move” (Matt. 17:20). And these signs will follow to those who believe: in My name they will cast out demons; they will speak with new tongues; they will take up serpents; even if they drink anything deadly, it will not harm them; they will lay hands on the sicks, and they will recover" (Mark 16:17-18). We read the lives of the saints and see that all this is confirmed in reality. “You will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move”: and indeed, mountains were moved by the prayerful word of Saint Mark and of Saint Gregory, Bishop of Neocaesarea. “In My name they will cast out demons” — and demons were not only cast out by the saints, but even served them. “They will speak with new tongues”: the Venerable Pachomius did not know Greek, but he prayed and began to understand a Greek monk who came to visit him, and answered him in Greek; and the Venerable Or read without having learned to read. “They will take up serpents”: the Holy Great Martyr Irene was thrown into a pit filled with snakes, but not only did she suffer no harm from them, on the contrary, they died from her mere presence in the pit. “If they drink anything deadly, it will not harm them”: the holy martyr Michael, by order of his tormentor, drank poison and remained unharmed, while the same poison, drunk by a criminal sentenced to death, immediately took his life. “They will lay hands on the sick, and they will recover”: the Venerable Paphnutius of Borovsk was building a church; an iconographer named Dionysius, who was working on this church, became severely ill in his legs and had to stop his work. But Saint Paphnutius only said to him: “Set to work, Dionysius; God will bless you, and the Mother of God will grant you health,” — and the sick Dionysius immediately returned to his work, and his illness vanished.
Stories of the Love of the Russians for the Orthodox Faith
From ancient times, the Russians were distinguished by a special love for the holy faith of Christ and for the Orthodox Church. During the time of the Tatar yoke, many Orthodox Christians bore witness to this love with their blood.
I. In the year 1246, the Tatar khan Batu summoned Prince Michael of Chernigov and demanded through his magi that, before entering the khan’s chamber, he should, according to Mongol custom, pass through fire and bow down to the sun and to idols. The right-believing prince replied: “I am a Christian and cannot bow down to creation and to idols.” When he was offered one of two choices — either to worship or to die — the prince did not hesitate to choose the latter, despite all the persuasion of those close to him; he prepared himself for a Christian end and suffered a cruel death at the hands of the barbarians. The example of the valiant prince was immediately followed by his beloved boyar Theodore.
II. In the year 1270, another Russian prince, Roman Olegovich of Ryazan, was slandered in the Horde as though he had reviled the khan and his faith. The khan handed the prince over to the Tatars, who began to force him to accept their faith. But he not only refused, he openly confessed that the Christian faith is truly holy, while the Tatar faith is impure. The enraged pagans cut out his tongue, stopped his mouth, and slowly dismembered all the joints of his body, so that the new martyr truly resembled the ancient James the Persian, as the chronicles remark.
III. Defending themselves from attacking enemies or going out against them, the Russians were convinced that they were shedding their blood and dying, first of all, for the Holy Faith and the Church. “Let us die for the Most Holy Theotokos (that is, for the Cathedral Church of the Most Holy Mother of God) and for the true faith,” said the inhabitants of Vladimir when it was besieged by the Tatars. “Let us die for Holy Wisdom (that is, for the Cathedral of Hagia Sophia),” the people of Novgorod would usually repeat as they went out to the field of battle. “Let us shed our blood for the house of the Most Holy Trinity and for the Holy Churches,” cried the men of Pskov in the days of Dovmont, repelling the attacks of Lithuania. And the holy right-believing Prince Dmitry Donskoy, setting out with his army from Moscow against the Tatars, said to the other princes and commanders: “Let us go against the godless and impious Mamai for the true Christian faith, and for the holy churches, and for all infants, and elders, and for all Christians.” Yes, the Russians loved their Fatherland, and within it, above all, they loved their holy faith and their Holy Church. They clung all the more to the holy faith and the Church because in them alone they found consolation and strengthening amid misfortunes and sorrows, especially under their oppressors, and in the name or title of “Christian” they saw their chief distinction from those of another faith — the impure Hagarenes — and their superiority over them.
Punishment for Unbelief
“Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” (John 20:29)
This happened long, very long ago. At that time I was young, passionate, and curious. From childhood, a living and pure faith in the Lord had not been planted in my heart. And the older I became, the more unbelief crept into my soul. I did not know how to believe — I wanted to understand everything with my own mind, with my own feelings. And this is how the Merciful Lord brought me to my senses.
It was a fresh, early spring. During Great Lent I had to travel, on official business, to a small provincial town. Seven versts from the town, on a hill, stood a beautiful men’s monastery. There reposed many holy relics.
I loved singing very much and often came to the monastery to listen to the choir of monks; they sang truly beautifully. I had several acquaintances among the monks and often stayed overnight with them.
Whole evenings we would argue about various matters of faith; I openly laughed at their faith, at their reverence for the holy relics, and I, wretched man, boldly declared my unbelief. The monks were horrified and tried to admonish me. Among them all, one monk especially pleased me — Father Irenaeus. He was of noble birth, very educated and intelligent; his thin, slightly yellowish face with large black eyes struck one by its strictness and holiness. I often spoke with him at length.
In the fourth week of Great Lent, I chose a warm day and went to the monastery. I looked at the church, listened to the monks’ singing, and then went to Father Irenaeus’ cell, intending to stay the night.
In conversation we did not notice how it had already grown dark, yet we still did not fall silent; from time to time one could hear the watchman striking the iron board. The monastery was asleep.
“No, you must abandon this and cast your unbelief out of your mind,” said Father Irenaeus. “Unbelief is a grave sin, and the Lord will punish it severely.”
“Well, if I were to prove to you in practice, Father Irenaeus, that all of you are mistaken — would you believe me?” I asked.
“What are you saying? Come to your senses! Our fathers and grandfathers were no more foolish than we are, and yet they believed this. And the Orthodox Church has believed for whole centuries, and millions of Orthodox people have believed and still believe. Finally, read the lives of the saints… How can one doubt the holiness of God’s saints and the incorruptibility of their relics? What are you saying! God be with you!” Father Irenaeus reasoned with me.
I fell silent, but in my heart I harbored a daring thought. “So I will do it,” I decided, and lay down to sleep, saying nothing to Father Irenaeus.
I could not fall asleep on the monk’s hard bed. Father Irenaeus prayed for a long time and finally dozed off on the floor, in a corner.
Making sure that he was asleep, I quietly rose, dressed somehow, and hurried out of the cell. In the east a pale pre-dawn light was showing; the stars were beginning to fade. A breeze refreshed my face. I went straight to the church. It was open. In the faint flicker of the oil lamps one could barely make out the icons and the outlines of the church. Two monks were busy near the right side chapel and paid no attention to me. The service was soon to begin. For a moment I felt afraid. I went into the left side chapel to the shrine where the holy relics reposed, stopped beside it, and looked around; a lamp was burning by the open shrine. There was no one in the church — the monks must have gone out. Again some inner fear chilled my heart. I tried to smile, approached the shrine, and boldly lifted its covering…
I wanted to touch the relics with my own hands, to examine closely the face of the saint who had reposed; otherwise I could not believe in the holiness of the relics. Some force was drawing my head lower and lower… My hand was already about to touch the relics…
But suddenly… there was a terrible crash, like thunder, or a flash of lightning, or something else, I do not know… I only saw a raised hand… Everything began to spin, darken… a noise rose in my head, in my ears… I came to myself on the floor, in a dreadful, agonizing darkness. What had happened to me, where I was — I knew nothing. I tried to rub my eyes, to see where I was, but it was all in vain… All around was darkness, like in a grave.
Then I understood everything… I had become blind. I had conceived a terrible deed, and the Lord had justly and severely punished me for it. Again, with anguish and torment in my soul, I lost consciousness.
I came to when many people were around me; I heard voices, and I recognized the voice of Father Irenaeus. There, in front of everyone, I — once a healthy man, now a miserable blind man — confessed my unatoned sin and my punishment… I knew, I felt, that the monks wept over me… and I bitterly regretted that I had not listened to their words.
Since then I have remained in the monastery, and every day I pray before the holy shrine. I ask the Lord and the saint to forgive me my grievous sin… I often weep and pray…
Now I am already an old man. The Lord has shown me mercy — my eyes see a little, and I have been able to write all that happened to me.
A Beneficial Dream
Once, as I was returning home from a distant journey on the eve of the New Year, a fierce snowstorm overtook me in the steppe: the exhausted horses, sinking into the drifts up to their chests, could barely pull our carriage. The swirling flakes of wet snow blinded our eyes, and at last we completely lost the road. Thus passed more than an hour of weary wandering across the snowy plains at random, until the distant barking of dogs revealed to us the presence of human habitation. We headed toward it, and soon the dark outlines of a landlord’s farmstead appeared before us.
We were hospitably received by the owner, a retired Caucasian officer of the old days. He introduced me to his family: his wife, an elderly lady with an extraordinarily gentle and pleasant expression, and two grown sons who had come from the capital to visit him for the holidays. They all proved to be very kind people, and so it is easy to understand the pleasure with which, having warmed myself from the road, I sat in Alexander Nikolaevich’s study — such was the name of my unexpected host — drinking tea and conversing with him before a brightly burning fireplace that made one forget the storm raging outside.
At first our conversation was no different from that of people recently acquainted, but then it became more open and heartfelt, and we began to speak of various remarkable events that had coincided in our lives with the New Year.
“As for me,” said Alexander Nikolaevich, “twenty-two years ago the New Year was marked by an event that has remained in my memory not so much for its unusual nature as because it allowed me to comprehend the immeasurable mercy of God toward a fallen man who was already intending to lay a sinful hand upon himself.”
I asked him to share his recollections, and this is what he told me:
“First of all, I must tell you that you see before you a man who for many years doubted the existence of God. At first glance it might seem quite natural that a life full of daily hardships and dangers, such as mine during the conquest of the Caucasus, would have instilled in me the conviction that ‘without God one cannot even cross the threshold.’ But it was not so. From childhood, having listened to and read all sorts of human delusions denying the existence of God, the Church, and all that is holy, I became an unbeliever in the full sense of the word.
But it pleased the Most High to send me such a trial as brought about a saving turning point in my moral sickness. It happened like this.
After leaving the regiment, I settled in our district town, where, having married my present wife, I began to live quietly and happily. Fate gave me the best of women, and the only dark spot in our family sky was my unbelief; my wife, a true Christian, was deeply grieved by my spiritual error. Often, in moments of my blasphemous outbursts, she would leave the room, go into the bedroom, and before the icon of the Mother of God, with tears, beg Her to enlighten her misguided husband.
Several years passed in this way. We already had two children — those very fine young men you have just seen — when the prayer of my gentle companion reached heaven. On the third day after Christmas we were together at a social gathering, and the evening was already in full swing when suddenly cries were heard: ‘Fire! We are burning!’ We all rushed outside, but the alarm proved false. Nevertheless, from fright and cold — my wife was wearing only a light dress — she felt unwell, and I hurried home with her. During the night she developed a fever and delirium, but by morning she became somewhat calmer and fell asleep.
The next day I went out on business, and when I returned home — imagine the weight of my grief — my wife was no more! Yes! Death had mercilessly cut the thread of that life so precious to me… There could be no doubt: the doctor who arrived confirmed it, and the mark of death upon her waxen brow clearly testified to my loss. I will not weary you with a description of all that followed; I will only say that from the moment her body was laid in the hall, I fell into boundless despair. The consolation of prayer was inaccessible to me; nothing could change what had happened, and I resolved to settle all accounts with life.
Retiring to my study, I spent the whole night before the New Year putting my affairs in order, and in a letter to a relative I entrusted the fate of my children to his care. After that I took a revolver from my desk, and only a slight pressure on the trigger separated me from eternity — when suddenly a thought came to me: my decision is firm; the only question is time… Why not wait a day or two? Why not remain a little longer with these dear remains? And then…
With this I lay down on the sofa, and, exhausted by the day’s labors and crushed by the fatal event, I fell into a heavy, leaden sleep.
And a whole swarm of dreams — now indescribably sweet, now terrifying — filled my sorrowful heart. I dreamed that I was sailing with my departed wife in a small boat, which angry waves tossed about like a nutshell on a boundless expanse of water. We both trembled for our fate — and not without reason: a great wave overturned the boat, the raging element separated us, and while I was sinking into the abyss, some wondrous force carried my beloved far away from me. Then I began to pray, and suddenly I heard the words: “Believe, and you will be saved!”
“I believe!” I cried — and awoke, roused by the morning cold.
I rose and went into the hall. It was dark, and only the light of a wax candle, flickering before an old reader who was chanting the Psalter over the deceased, struggled with the first glimmer of dawn. I dismissed the old man to rest and approached the head of the dear body, full of thoughts, each more painful than the last…
But suddenly, in all its splendor, a ray of sunlight burst through the window and flooded everything with its life-giving, gentle light. At that moment it seemed to me that my wife’s face had lost something of its deathly pallor, and as though something like life flickered upon her sunken features. Was it a deception of the senses, a play of imagination disturbed by grief?
No! It was reality! Death was giving back its victim, as was shown by the warmth that gradually began to embrace that lifeless body. As soon as I became certain that my wife was alive, she was carefully carried into the bedroom, where after several hours she came to herself…
My joy knew no bounds. The news of such an unheard-of event spread through the whole town like lightning, and our good Father Vasily, who had come to serve a memorial service, was greatly surprised when I asked him instead to serve a thanksgiving service…
One may suppose that the impulse which made me delay suicide is easily explained by the desire for life, which does not abandon a man even in the most extreme circumstances; one may also easily explain my wife’s apparent death as a so-called lethargic sleep. But I see in all this only the hand of God!
So this is what the New Year gave me twenty-two years ago, my dear guest! The Providence of God, by sending me a beneficial dream, restrained me from the grave sin of suicide; it also returned to me my companion, who seemed already to be in the hands of death, and made of me a believer.”
Source: From the book Simple Gospel Word: Stories and Reflections on the Gospel Readings for Sundays and Feast Days, (published in 1890). Translation by John Sanidopoulos.
